GET IT AWAY FROM ME

Never! I will not do it! I absolutely will not go through another Fallas. No more sleep deprivation. No more drunken stupor. Nix the exploding firecrackers, the howling dogs, the street concerts, the paella feasts. I refuse to ever again elbow my way through a crowd of people on these streets of Valencia during the Fallas. I do not want to see those girls with round wheels in little hands rocking back and forth in salutation. Keep this city away from me with its noisy masclets at 2 pm; I need my afternoon nap. I will have no more schedule disruptions, no more detours when circulating about the city, no more jet lag from late night events.

How am I to achieve this? Why, with your help. All of you. Read carefully, please. I would like everyone to wake up early in the morning, have a nice little brekkie, go about your quiet business until lunchtime, eat your lunch, digest your lunch, do your afternoon business, have a little din-din, then off to bed – everyday during the Fallas. That way I can have my nice little walk in the park without any of the schlock. I’m going to need your help on this. Could you at least attempt to inform the million or so people who will be in city during this time of my wishes?  It would really make life easier for me and help to keep away the aforementioned, shall we say, crapski.

I’m not saying this for my health… er actually I am. They say that all of this is bad for your ears- and your heart, lungs, skin, liver, kidneys, hair, eyelashes, fingernails and mucus membranes. Fallas makes you fat. It makes you age. It makes you drunk. Fallas takes your money away, the money with which you could have bought some trainers or a relaxation tape. Fallas will break the windows of your car, it will lose your suitcase, it will take the fingers from your small children. It will make you pee in the street. Who’s the guy who invented this thing anyway?

So, why do I ask you to lead a normal, civilized life during the Fallas? That’s easy. It is because I need relaxation and tranquility so that I’ll be able to concentrate more and produce an article of some substance for this publication. I trust you’ll understand. Looking forward to your cooperation.

Noddy